The Bad And The Bonkers
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency is hired as mourners for Ellis Crane's funeral by his agent.


**The disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters or anything else is off at a funeral somewhere. Even this idea isn't mine. I got it off a scene in this old movie called The Bad and the Beautiful. That's why I'm calling this…**

 **The Bad And The Bonkers **

"Wait we actually have a **client**?" Ray asked as he and Mallory made their way to the conference room.

"I know," Mallory said. "I can't believe it either. So zip it Missy and let me do the talking!"

"Technically shouldn't _Cyril_ be the one doing the talking?" Pam asked as she joined them.

"Shut your bear claw hole!" Mallory snapped.

"Come in, Come in…" Cyril was welcoming their newest client into the conference room. The other members of the Figgis Agency were there as well. "This is…"

"Ernie Plotz," The man looked like Danny DeVito with white hair and a well-tailored grey 3-piece suit. "Agent to the stars. Specifically, Ellis Crane."

"He was your client," Mallory realized as they all sat down.

"Technically he was **the client** in my stable of high maintenance nut jobs," Ernie admitted as he sat down at the conference table. "I heard about you guys after the Clown Incident and in some of the e-mails Crane sent me. And I have a few connections in this town. By the way, loved how you threw down with the Zizzners. Can't stand those weirdoes. Couple of sexual deviants. And in this town, that's saying something."

Ernie looked at Lana. "You're Lana Kane. May I say my dear that it was pretty freaking obvious that someone as lovely as you could not have killed Ellis Crane. You didn't know him long enough to want him dead."

"Thanks. I think…" Lana blinked.

"I also would like to say after seeing you in the well-toned flesh," Ernie grinned. "That your boyfriend Archer was a complete and total putz to run after a snake like Veronica when he had you. He wasn't exactly trading up. I mean Veronica may have been hot but that vagina of hers has been serviced more times than a car at the Indy 500!"

"So if Ellis Crane was your client," Pam realized. "Where've you been all this time?"

"I was out of town holding another client's hand as well as putting out a few financial fires during the whole mess," Ernie said. "Let me make this clear. I didn't know a thing about Long Water. That's why I still have a few bucks in this town while half the big shots are falling down on their asses into Debt Ville. I never did trust that Deane broad. First day I laid eyes on her I knew she was a smooth operator."

Ernie paused. "Of course, I would have banged her if she'd let me. That goes without saying."

"Uggh," Lana rolled her eyes. Mallory also rolled her eyes in agreement.

"But I never trusted her," Ernie added. "I told Crane it was a huge mistake to go back to that ball cutting bitch. He wouldn't tell me why it was so important that they made this picture. Course I thought it was just because he just wanted to get her back in the sack again. I had no idea she talked him into this stupid cockamamie fraud scheme. Deane wasn't exactly a genius like Madoff if you get my drift."

"She was smart enough to trick us into helping her," Lana grumbled.

"She's an actress," Ernie said. "That's kind of her deal. She gets off on tricking people and making them feel and do what she wants."

"Like Ms. Archer," Cheryl said brightly. Mallory glared at her.

"Look," Ernie sighed. "Let me level with you why I'm here. It's about Crane's funeral. It's tomorrow. A very brief service and then a burial."

"His funeral is tomorrow?" Cyril asked. "But wasn't he killed…?"

"Between the autopsy and a few other legalities, I only got the body just now," Ernie explained. "The bottom line is, Crane doesn't have that many relatives. He and that bitch of an ex-wife of his never had any kids. And for some reason his flings used more contraceptives than a birth control convention at a convent. What few family members he does have were never on good terms. They're too busy celebrating he's dead. Or blasting him because he didn't leave 'em any money in the will."

"How much money did he leave and to whom?" Mallory asked.

"Mallory!" Lana gasped. "You can't ask that!"

"Relax Toots," Ernie waved. "She ain't asking nothin' the whole town isn't. He left everything to either me, the only guy in this world that actually gave a crap about him…Or to this film school he set up. Problem is half of nothing is still nothing."

"So he was in debt?" Cyril asked.

"Up to his freaking eyeballs," Ernie groaned. "Honestly, if Veronica didn't blow him away, at least six other guys with connections would have."

Ernie paused for a moment. "At least three banks have foreclosed on his house and all his other stuff. And what they don't want I got in a storage locker somewhere in the valley. Except his awards. I'm keeping those. Sentimental reason y'know? As well as I kind of helped him get those awards!"

"You mean by getting those parts for him in his pictures and directing?" Cyril asked.

Ernie thought a moment. "That too."

"I think I just figured out why he got in with Veronica Deane on that Long Water scam," Ray groaned.

"Connected the dots, have you?" Mallory said sarcastically.

"So why exactly are you coming to us?" Lana asked Ernie.

"I'm gonna be straight with you. I need mourners at Crane's funeral," Ernie sighed. "Crane may have been an idiot who couldn't save a penny if his life depended on it, but he was a damn good guy to me. Didn't deserve to get whacked the way he did. Normally I'd just hire a bunch of extras but this is more personal. And I figured since you guys got involved with all this mess you could use a simple hundred bucks each for a couple hours' work."

"We'll take it," Cyril sighed.

"Cyril!" Mallory bristled.

"It's **work** Mallory!" Cyril snapped. "We can't afford to be picky!"

"Besides we were involved with the whole Deadly Velvet Mess," Lana groaned. "Too involved."

"Is there anything else we should know about?" Pam asked. "Any other angle you're working? Because honestly a lot of times people that hire us have that."

"Or double cross us," Ray added.

"Did I mention I'm also a writer?" Ernie asked. "I'm writing a script about Ellis Crane's life and I figured this would be an interesting scene in the movie about his life."

"Crane left you the rights to his life story in the will, didn't he?" Cyril guessed.

"Only thing of value he did have," Ernie said.

" **There** it is," Ray groaned.

The following day at a small church…

"Professional mourners," Mallory groaned as she wore black and sat in a pew with Lana, Pam and Cyril. "This has got to be a new low."

"Hey it's easy work and easy money," Pam ate a bear claw. She was also wearing black as well as the others.

"And as Lana pointed out we were involved in the whole Deadly Velvet mess," Cyril pointed out.

"He died on our watch," Pam groaned. "As well as gotten kidnapped by killer clowns and got shot at by bean bags. So I guess we do owe him."

"Why are you eating **that?** " Mallory glared at Pam.

"Because," Pam said between bites. "My purse is filled with chocolate covered croissants."

"This is going to be a long day…" Ernie grumbled as he sat next to Lana. He looked at Pam. "Is that a bear claw?"

Pam finished it up. "Not anymore. But I got some chocolate croissants if you want."

"Why not?" Ernie groaned as he pulled out a flask. "It'll go with my bourbon."

"Good idea," Mallory took out her flask. "We have time before that line of people stops viewing the coffin."

"I thought you said you couldn't get any mourners?" Lana asked.

"They're not mourners," Ernie groaned. "They're people who Crane screwed over in one way or another."

"Literally or figuratively?" Pam asked.

"A little bit of both actually," Ernie groaned. "They each paid me a hundred bucks so that they could come in and spit on the casket."

And yes, several people were in line taking turns spitting on the closed casket. One even kicked it.

"So **that's** how you're paying for all this," Mallory blinked.

"Let's just say I'm doing more than breaking even," Ernie said. "I paid for a marble headstone and I'm still gonna profit over a couple grand!"

SPITOON!

"That casket is waterproof right?" Cyril asked.

"Oh yeah," Ernie said. "Top of the line."

KICK!

"Kicks are an extra two hundred," Ernie told them. "Don't worry they'll be out of here soon then the service can start."

"Is that why you have cameras?" Lana asked.

"It's easier sometimes than just writing everything down," Ernie shrugged. "I'm thinking of starting the script with the funeral scene."

"Good call," Cyril nodded.

"It's like a scene out of the Bad and the Beautiful," Lana remarked.

"More like the Bad and the Bonkers," Cyril groaned as he saw something.

"Oh God no…" Mallory saw what he was looking at.

Cheryl walked in dressed to the nines in black. With Babou on a leash. "I'm not even going to ask…" Mallory groaned. "I'm not even going to ask…"

"She brought an ocelot to a funeral?" Ernie blinked. "Who rents an ocelot for a funeral?"

"She didn't rent it," Lana sighed. "She owns it."

Ernie looked at Lana. "I'm getting more than my money's worth on the crazy ain't I?"

"You have no idea," Lana groaned.

"Okay I can make this work," Ernie blinked. "An ocelot at a funeral. Yeah that's gonna be an interesting scene."

"Not as interesting as what's coming," Ray grumbled as he took a pew in front. He was also dressed in black.

"Phrasing…" Pam chuckled. "What do you…?Oh I see."

Krieger walked up in black with Mitsuko wearing a skimpy black outfit behind him. "What?"

"This is a first even for me," Ernie blinked. "And I thought I'd seen everything in this town."

"Krieger why…?" Cyril groaned.

"She wanted to get out," Krieger said.

"Not exactly what I had in mind," Mitsuko sighed. "But I will take it."

"Plus I figure an extra mourner, an extra hundred dollars," Krieger shrugged.

"That's only for an actual living body!" Mallory snapped. "Not a floating light show!"

"But think of the prestige!" Krieger told them. "Ellis Crane, the first man in Hollywood to have a hologram mourner."

"For how much?" Ernie asked.

"A hundred bucks," Krieger said.

"Still pretty cheap," Ernie said.

"And I'll throw in her singing Ave Maria," Krieger added.

"Ooh! An audience!" Mitsuko twittered.

"Mallory it's still money," Lana sighed.

"Ugggghhh…" Mallory groaned. "Well at least this funeral can't be worse than the Jackson Wainscott fiasco."

"Well not with that attitude," Pam remarked.

Soon the funeral started. It was a quiet and somber affair. Mostly.

" _Ave Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaa…."_ Mitsuko sang in front of the church, looking like a strange apparition as she floated in midair.

"You have to admit," Pam whispered. "Mitsuko is a good singer."

"That's because I gave her a different voice for her singing voice," Krieger said. "What? Cartoons do it all the time!"

"This is classy," Ernie remarked. "Crane would have loved this. And that someone is actually crying at this."

Ray sniffed and cried a little into a handkerchief. "Oh brother…" Mallory rolled her eyes.

"He's a good mourner," Ernie said. "I'll give him that."

"He's had plenty of practice," Pam quipped.

"At least he's not making a total ass of himself," Mallory admitted. "Like that guy."

"WHY? WHY? WHY?" A thin man with balding black hair in a suit wept openly. "WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM FROM US GOD? WHY?"

"Drama queen," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Is that guy a relative?" Lana asked.

"No, that's Crane's accountant," Ernie sighed. "Crane was his only client so…"

"WHYYYYYYYYYY!" Crane's accountant screamed. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE THAT BITCH DEANE? WHYYY?"

"Get a grip Charlie!" Ernie shouted. "God, I hate that guy."

"RRRR!"

"AAAHH!" Charlie yelled.

"Then you won't mind Babou pissing all over him," Pam quipped.

"AGGH! Bad kitty! Bad weird kitty! AAAAHH!" Charlie yelled. "Oh god I smell like cat piss!"

"As opposed to how you usually smell," Ernie snickered.

"RARR!"

"OW! IT BIT ME!" Charlie yelled.

"I am so putting an ocelot in my script," Ernie said.

Soon they were at the graveyard and things were going along quietly and smoothly.

"WAAAAAHHH!" Charlie wailed as he threw himself on the coffin.

"Dear God," Mallory groaned. "I think we've just met a bigger drama queen than Gillette."

"Still better than the Jackson Wainscott fiasco," Lana admitted.

"Definitely," Mallory nodded. "At least we're making money and are not the worst behaved people at this thing."

"I want to say a few words," Cheryl spoke up.

"Oh, please God no," Ray groaned.

"I spoke too soon," Mallory groaned.

"Move aside Reverend," Cheryl motioned the preacher to move aside and she stood in front of the gang. "I'd like to say a few words about Ellis Crane. How I never got to bang him."

"Oh for the love of…" Mallory winced.

"But more importantly Lana never got to bang him," Cheryl added. "And neither did Ms. Archer. Because she was really hot for him even though she's married. But he didn't even notice her because he was too focused on that insurance fraud scheme."

"Why did we bring her?" Ray asked casually.

"I have no idea," Mallory grumbled.

"At least he was interested in Lana," Cheryl grinned. "But never even gave Ms. Archer a second glance. Not at all…"

"And you think Mitsuko not appropriate," Mitsuko stuck her tongue out at Mallory.

"But the real thing I want to say is that it's a shame that bitch Veronica old person Deane blew Ellis Crane away before any of us got a chance to have sex with him," Cheryl went on. "Because honestly that would have been a fun scene to write. But she did. And she's a bitch. Oh, and she tried to frame Lana for the crime which was funny. But not the fact that she almost killed Archer and he's now fighting for his life in a coma."

"The **wrong person** is in a coma," Mallory gritted her teeth.

"It's not the fact that she shot Archer is the problem," Cheryl went on. "Because let's face it. Who among us hasn't? I have."

"Eh," Lana admitted.

"Eh," Mallory shrugged.

"Yeah," Cyril nodded.

"Do tranquilizer guns count?" Krieger asked.

"But I shot him in the ass without him knowing," Cheryl waved. "And blamed it on somebody else. Or like Lana who shot him in the foot. At least three times. Or Cyril in the leg. That's totally different than shooting him in the gut. Okay there was that one time Ms. Archer shot her son six times. But he was trying to kill her because he had a mind control chip in his brain that went into a rabbit and another guy so it kind of doesn't count…"

"Is there a **point** to this?" Lana barked.

"I wanted to make a speech and have some attention, duh!" Cheryl scoffed. "You know I do things like that."

"Wow I could not write this even if I **tried!** " Ernie was stunned. "It's definitely worth a hundred bucks a pop for you guys!"

"This is so humiliating," Lana groaned.

"Still better than the Jackson Wainscott fiasco," Cyril said.

"RARRR!"

"I spoke too soon," Cyril groaned.

"HONK! HONK! HONK!"

Babou was off his leash chasing some Canadian Geese. "Oh for the love of…" Mallory groaned.

"Let him chase them," Pam said. "My shoes are covered with goose shit."

"So are mine," Mallory winced. "Ugh…"

"HONK! HONK! HONK!"

The geese then flew straight towards the funeral and started to peck at Charlie. "AAAH! AAHHH!" Charlie tried of fight off both geese and Babou and started to run around from the animals.

"Attacked by geese and an ocelot at the same funeral," Pam blinked. "What are the odds?"

"With this group?" Ray quipped. "Fifty-fifty…"

"I should have put this damn thing on pay per view," Ernie remarked.


End file.
